Love and Hate
I made a significant discovery recently about my life.
I can love and hate something. At the same time. There are many of such things. This dynamic is affecting my whole life significantly. I actually mean those “love” and “hate” words. I love talking to people. But I can also hate it immensely as well. The imbalance can drive me crazy and I’m so glad I could finally put a name on this situation. I love you, and hate you, at the same time. The balance between the two changes every day. Like a sunset or a sunrise. Light and darkness live inside me.
The big revelation for me was it’s not just one thing. What bothers me the hate part is getting worse in many aspects of my life in the past few months.
It’s easy to see why I’m going downhill. There’s just so much happening in my life right now. Things straight up challenging me every day: health problems, house construction, driving up an down, many work projects, long todo list, writing emails daily, constant research and resolving issues.
If I take a therapist hat now and read the previous paragraph. Am I even surprised? Hell no! Being honest to ourselves is so demanding.
I am grateful that hatred and anger are not consuming me completely. There are still many things I love and fill me with joy: my wife, our garden, our friends and family, new house, summer, music, technology, nature, photography, and more. But at the same time I feel anxious, exhausted, unmotivated, angry, resentful from my connection with people, from my daily job, from all the responsibilities.
Tomas, just relax.
I would love to. There are several ways for me to relax well but I feel like they are not good enough. For this summer (2024), I need to change that balance. The balance of hate needs to shrink and love increase. Burnout - that’s what worries me. I don’t want an emotional breakdown.
Will more relaxed summer help? Maybe. I hope so. This has to be a good start.
This post is a reminder for me to:
- Spend more time in the nature
- Talk to people less
- Sit down and remain still for a few moments
- Go for many walks
- Lose myself in our garden
- Reflect on the impact of these actions
- Say “no” more often
- Draw
- Spend less time with screens
- Don’t have a point number ten
A picture of our lush garden is the perfect way to complete this post and be hopeful about my future.
